The Diary of a 23 year-old mistress

Inside infidelity: Diary of a 23-year-old mistress
A woman weighs the guilt, pleasure of dating a married man twice her ageBy Emily Rozen

updated 4:35 p.m. ET July 13, 2009
We were in his office. I could see photos of his wife smiling and laughing on the bookshelf and his desk. I'd thought about escaping when I first saw them that evening. Instead, I stayed, feeling nauseous about the person I'd become. He's just too charming, his presence too intense for me to resist. To be honest, my willpower is nothing to brag about. And it doesn't help that I'm falling in love.

We met at my first business conference when I was 23 and right out of college. He sat down next to me, smiling, burning my left cheek with his gaze. He had dark hair, a goatee and a scar on the side of his face. I shifted around for a position that would avoid the strange, immediate sexual tension. Our body language felt like foreplay.

‘Maybe he’ll be easy to resist’
He was persistent from the start, a quality I find extremely sexy. He shamelessly invited me for a drink in front of my boss. I assumed he was single because he mentioned his ex-wife and I was taken aback by my disappointment when he said he'd remarried. After drinks, he asked whose hotel room we'd end up in that night. I found him slightly ridiculous. "It was nice meeting you," I said, as he dropped me off.

A few days later, the flirting continued as he sent e-mails to my boss, cc'ing me. I'd be lying if I said I wasn't curious about what would happen next. When he asked me again for drinks I wanted to say no, but I trusted myself to do the right thing. Sort of. I thought since I was so anti-cheating I'd have no problem having one drink and going home with the halo still around my head. But deep down I knew this could get me into trouble. Dating a married man would make my previous scandalous date nights look like child's play.‘Is this the type of person I am? Dating married men?’ I wondered. I felt so guilty, and moreover, I felt guilty that I enjoyed it.

I was relieved when he arrived at the restaurant — the tension from the conference was gone. "Maybe he'll be easy to resist," I thought. But one, two, three drinks later and it was over.

The cab home from our date was intense: the lights outside were blurred, the ride felt faster than usual. We continued the kissing that got us kicked out of the fancy lounge, and when he unzipped my pants I couldn't believe I was so weak. He doesn't know this, but I cried all that night, kneeling in my bathroom after he dropped me off. I thought about his wife at their house, about how I had lost my self-control. "Is this the type of person I am? Dating married men?" I wondered. I felt so guilty, and moreover, I felt guilty that I enjoyed it.

After the date I wrote to him saying it could never happen again. "If that's what you want," he wrote me. "Let me know if you change your mind." I didn't want to say no, but I knew I should — you're not supposed to date married men. But he'd figured out how my mind worked — leaving the ball in my court put me in control, or so I thought. After our next date at a swanky local jazz club, I went home with him.

Sliding into his bed, slipping under his dark sheets, I watched him follow me, muscular and handsome in the dim light. I knew he was older but not sure by how much. Already in bed together, I asked him his age. "Forty-five," he told me cautiously, and I felt the thrill of being with a man twice my age.

That next morning, I woke up to the light. His wedding ring encircled a finger of the hand that had touched my body in her bed. The tan high-heeled shoes I'd left out in the hallway were now inside the bedroom. Was he worried she'd come back early from her trip and see them? Photos from their wedding on the walls suddenly drove home what had just happened. I'd never wanted to know what she looked like. I forced my attention to the details knowing if I didn't, I would fall for him. I got dressed and left in disgust — with him, with myself, with what this was.

After three months, it was clear that the details wouldn't stop me. Seeing him once a week was no longer satisfying. "Hello" and "goodbye" phone calls turned into hour-long conversations. Wink text messages became "I miss you." "I want you" became "I love you." I worried about how we got here and where it was going.

He told me there were things he needed that she simply couldn't give him. "I don't just want children, I need them," he said over red wine during another intense conversation. She didn't want kids. He told me that I'd helped him come to these conclusions. It seemed like they'd never talked about having a family before they married. But I kept quiet about her. None of this was for me to judge.

It was clear to me that his realizations were causing their relationship to unbind. I wondered if I was just a distraction from his situation, or someone who came into his life to help him figure out what he wanted.

Open marriage, open mind?
They decided to have an open marriage. They both agreed that if one of them had an affair they wouldn't tell the other person. As far as I knew she didn't know about me, but he didn't seem to mind her finding out. It was as if they lived together but had separate lives.

It's been eight months now. The other day he texted me, saying "We're like the stars in Twilight, incapable of removing ourselves from a dangerous relationship." Our emotional, intellectual, spiritual and sexual connection is undeniable. It's so overpowering that even though he's married I have no desire to be with another guy. They're all completely uninspiring in comparison.

The book “Eat, Pray, Love” describes a soulmate as, "Someone who shows you everything that's holding you back, bringing you to your own attention so you can change your life ... They tear down your walls and smack you awake ... They come into your life just to reveal another layer of yourself."


More from YourTango.com
The other woman: What a mistress knows
My boyfriend cheated ... with a man
How an affair saved my marriage


I used to think cheating was the worst crime — being unfaithful to a commitment seemed like the ultimate betrayal. Marriage, in my mind, was a romantic concept surrounded by the idea of true love, not adultery. Plus, I've seen what happens to the mistresses in the movies. Now I see it differently: It's a selfish commitment to yourself to get to that uncomfortable and unknown place — a place that shakes you up and compels you to confront your needs, to move your a step closer to yourself.

Our affair has forced me to break my walls against intimacy, to feel desired, to be myself with someone for the first time. I feel like I'm allowed to tell someone what I need, and he's happy to oblige. In the past I'd always wanted to do things on my own, but he's showing me how nice it is to have someone help me.Do I feel guilty? Yes. Do I feel like a home-wrecker? I do.

There are certainly hard times. I go back and forth between loving and hating him, wanting to commit and wanting to leave him. But for the most part it feels good to finally feel emotions like this. The two of us have exceeded the boundary of passion, and I can't imagine going back to something less.

The possibility that I could be the person he's looking for makes me shaky. He's amazing to me, I'm just not sure I'm ready for commitment and a family. I'm not even sure what the two of us would be like without her in his life, what we'd be like together as a couple out of the closet, seeing one another every day. But I'm most nervous about him leaving me.

What happens in the future depends on many things — his relationship with his wife and how long the two of them can handle an open marriage, his desire for a family versus his commitment to their union, what I can handle and what I want from him, and what he wants from me.

Do I feel guilty? Yes. Do I feel like a home-wrecker? I do. But if, in several years, he is happy and has a family, with me or without, and I can finally let people in behind my emotional walls, then our meeting will have been worth it — especially if the two of us are together in the end.

Your turn!
Is it ever OK to date a married man?

Signs Of Cheating Men - Unfaithful Men Facts

Survey outcomes give valuable information regarding the reasons and infidelity deeds of men. Surprisingly, the springiness that men appear to have towards their ego, even tough not meaning to cheat, they consider discrepancy as something that must be at all times avoided. History reveals us that mankind has since long ago tolerated a certain level of polygamy and besides religion norms, financial status is the only impediment.

Polygamy practices in ancient times The statement sustaining that men are rational and capable of reflection towards their actions is disputable, but the more advanced mankind is, the more elaborate from sexual characteristics point of view is going to be. By observing males behavior within species, it has been proved that they consider procreation as a priority, after first place being occupied by food supply.

Therefore, looking from a development perspective, the charge brought to men as moral fibre lack is not fully based, because anthropological studies revealed that in the past human societies have tolerated polygamous marriages up to 85%.

Furthermore, the main ground why men are cheating is clearly due to sex starvation and the necessity to find new sources and ways of satisfaction. The impossibility to master these inner wants is sustained by other two reasons that are said to be among infidelity causes and men past habits of cheating; a habit regarding the disappointment suffered and lack of sex appeal; the disappearance of novelty produced between whiles.

There are also other foolish and childish reasons that determine men to cheat their wives as for example, due to continuous nagging, some cheat to take revenge on the nagging spouse and to feed his ego. But this interpretation and solution are both wrong, and unfortunately, it usually leads to constant cheating.

The Periods when Men Might Cheat Research show that during the life of relationships there are four intervals containing the necessary ingredients for infidelity to thrive. After experiencing the first year of marriage, an emotional downward sloping curve is noticed due to the disappearance of marriage novelty feeling. The first born period has a considerable impact on the relationship dynamics due to the attention focused on the little one, thus the husband sometimes considers infidelity as a mean of satisfaction. After approximately 7 years of marriage, the couple has carried out the goals established earlier and the husband find himself yearning for those old and almost forgotten experiences and thus, tries to find them in order to invigorate him.

Finally, during the middle age they both have spent a lot of time together and they begin to question their commitment. This period is often seen as the second infancy stage for the men, and he might get involved in inappropriate or selfish activities. As human beings have good and bag days, so do relationships pass in time through less resistant periods when infidelity can arise.

Plus, it has been proved that sexual behavior is influenced by age and as men grow older, their sexual appetite decreases as well as extra-marital intercourse, and sexual abstinence is ought to increase.

Uncover more tips on how to detect married man cheating as well as hot discussion on topics like should a cheating man confess when you visit http://www.infidelityman.com, the most popular resources on catch a man cheating

Being Healthy is a Wonderful Gift

Health is such a wonderful gift but many take it for granted. What can you do when you are healthy? You work for your children or for yourself, your enjoy exercise and outdoor activities; you play with friends and children. Your life becomes very interesting; in fact you think life is worth living. This is actually the way life should be. But what if you are not healthy enough to enjoy life? What if you are bedridden and all you can do is to wish you could do all the things healthy people do. That is when you will begin to appreciate more what a privilege good health is.
You will discover that good health like wealth does not come cheap but a result of hard work, conscious effort and at times even sacrifice. But why do people live their lives so recklessly defying the laws of health at the risk of their health? Many have cultivated wrong habits of living thus endangering their health. Good health is not on autopilot, it is an asset that you protect and care for in order to continue to enjoy. Cultivating good habits of living encourages good health in a holistic sense - Physically, mentally, spiritually and emotionally. Bad habits bring disease and ultimately premature death.

Many invest huge amounts of money on health insurances and medical aid and yet do very little to ensure good health. Good health cannot be bought in any way. Without good health the world’s richest man is poor. It is as if people could invest much more money in ensuring that they are healthy than spending huge sums of money trying to recover failing health. The rational choice would be to spend all the resources in the prevention of disease but on contrary the world’s people are happy to follow the medical paradigm of cure which has proven ineffective in dealing with sickness and disease.

When you are finally sick because of reckless living, cures are not easy to come by and if they do the cost is very high. And indeed there are very few medicines that really work to cure disease.
While it is advisable to adhere to the laws of health in order to be healthy, you may be sick already. Your loved ones may be sick already. What options do you have? Are you afraid of these diseases: Cancer, Diabetes, Asthma, heart disease, multiple sclerosis, Hepatitis?

What if you lived in a world where cancer – or any other disease – was no longer a threat to you? What if you never had to experience the horror of receiving a doctors chilling diagnosis of a terrible disease – or watch helplessly as someone you care about suffers from cancer or some other life-threatening disease – with you not being able to do anything about it?

What would you be willing to give to ensure that you and your loved ones would never need to suffer or die – from so-called “incurable” diseases that are actually curable?

If you are like most people, chances are, you or someone you know suffers from one or more of the many diseases of mankind such as cancer, hepatitis, multiple sclerosis etc.

Imagine never having to worry about getting the flu again -- or suffering from migraine headaches, gum disease, sinusitis, anemia, lupus, bronchitis – and any other disease for that matter. What if you no longer had to live in fear that one day you'll develop a disease that "runs in the family" or get diseases that naturally come from "getting older" or from bad lifestyle choices? And what if you had a one-minute cure (which costs only 1½ cents a day to self-administer) that could get rid of virtually any disease in the event that you actually acquired one? I know, I know. You're probably thinking, "That just can't be true! How could one simple remedy possibly cure all diseases? There's no such thing as a panacea." Well, you have every reason to be skeptical. I know I was. But if you can suspend your disbelief for a moment -- you're about to learn the most amazing health secret anyone could ever possess. Your life -- or the life of your loved one -- could very well depend on this information. Click Here!

Reconstructing The African

Just like the moons,
With the certainty of tides,
Just like high hopes springing high,
Still I rise
- Maya Angelou

I am indigenous to Africa – the source of knowledge and the cradle of mankind. I am the offspring of the black people of Egypt who built the mighty pyramids, the originators of philosophy, Mathematics, Medicine and Art. Indeed I am the descendant of the intellectuals who imparted their knowledge to Western thinkers such as Opheus, Musaeus, Melampos, Daedalos, the poet Homer, Lycurgus the Spartan, Solon the Athenian, and Plato the philosopher, Pythagoras of Samos and the Mathematician Eudoxos, as well as Democritus of Abdera and Oenopides of Chios. My great grandparents were respected, appreciated and celebrated by the Greeks who by mistake are credited by the West as being the progenitors of wisdom. I exude with pride to have descended from such achievers though there is rhetoric of European denial of Africa’s capability that accompanied the dispossession of our continent. This was perpetrated along with the conquest of Africa, Asia, and America. Western hegemony was not only about colonizing land, but a project of colonizing information about the land.

In Antiquity when my people were at their peak of intellectual pursuits, there was no United States, England, Germany and France – that was the time when the Greeks came to study in Africa to learn of the intellectual pursuits of the land while Europe wallowed in darkness.

I am of the blood of the people who taught philosophy and astronomy to Thales, the first Greek philosopher, those under whose tutelage Pythagoras spend 22 years. It was my ancestors who taught philosophy to Socrates in Egypt - not in Europe but in Africa. My people did not wait for the Greeks to figure out how to construct the pyramids or to diagnose the diseases of the human body.

I claim the ancestry of the people who for more than 2000 years ruled the world and built one of the first powerful civilizations on earth. Those who took Western people captive, and turned them into their own slaves. I am talking about people who at one stage were commissioned by Yahweh to make provision for the hungry of the West, those who incubated Joseph and turned him into a prince. I am always instilled with a sense of awe as to why Yahweh decided on Africa – my father land – as a site where his yardstick of righteousness (The Ten Commandments) would be delivered amid thunder and fire. A chill of fear runs down my spine as I ponder upon reasons why Emmanuel (Christ) found hospitality in Africa when Western powers sought to destroy God’s plan to save mankind.

I am of the black people of Africa imbued with Ubuntu as to feel the pain of a man condemned without justice to the death of the cross by his own people conniving with powerful Western political powers – indeed one of our own (black) carried the Cross for the weary man.

One is indeed privileged to be associated with a continent that originated Ubuntu and philosophy around 2800 BC, some 2200 years before Thales of Miletus who is considered the first Western philosopher. My ancestors were separating red ochre from iron in a cave in Southern Africa. They were already practicing the science of distillation long before the arrival of Van Riebeeck in 1652.

I pay homage to Emperor Septimus Severus who ruled the Roman Empire in the 1st century CE and led the Roman legions into Britain. Why would I omit to give my respect to the great African Popes such as Pope Saint Victor (189-199 CE), Pope Saint Miliades (311-314 CE) and Pope Saint Gelasias 1 (492-496 CE) who occupied the seat of the papacy in Rome and gave glory to Africa.

In my veins rushes warm blood that carries genetic material of a great modern day messiah who exemplifies victory over Western subjugation through Ubuntu. I express the rhetoric of the one who through powerful intellectual discourse seeks to take African Renaissance to greater heights. With clear visualization I am able to behold the resistance of my people against colonialism as they defeat Western armies at the foot of Thaba-Bosiu culminating in the death of Wepener. The Japanese sang my great great-grandfather’s praises when they said: ‘For a Samurai to be brave, he needs a bit of black blood’.

I salute the great Statesman (Moshoeshoe) who imported missionaries in the hope of securing everlasting peace for his nation, only to be rewarded with British imperialism and capitalism interwoven with Western religious expression that would destroy the culture and confidence of my people – the importation of a civilization that led to the destruction of our psyche, and our sense of pride, the distortion of our history and the inculcation of a sense of shame about being African. They were all calculated to secure our oppression. If they (the West) would succeed in making us doubt our humanity, we would ourselves become perpetuators of our own oppression.

Our collective experience of that civilization which introduced slavery, colonialism and neo-colonialism brought about a culture of subservience, dependency and lack of dignity among many Africans. This collective experience demands a rebirth, a renewal or a re-invention of Africans and Africa - African Renaissance.

"African Renaissance is an historical project, it must become
A force that drives us to a better future. The starting point is to shake-off the historical baggage that has enslaved us for centuries" Shadrack Gutto - Unisa

"The African Renaissance in proper historical context is essentially the rise of the Africans, on the continent and in the Diaspora, from slavery, colonialism, segregation, apartheid and neo-colonialism. The African Renaissance is not a single event. There have been episodes, spanning several generations, in the rise of Africans, many episodes in their still unfolding culture of liberation" – Mbulelo Mzamane – University of South Australia.

"Those who have eyes let them see. The African renaissance is upon us. As we peer through the looking glass darkly, this may not be obvious. But it is upon us." – Thabo Mbeki, 1997

You may write me down in history
With your bitter twisted lies
You may trod me in the very dirt
But still, like dust, I’ll rise.
-- Maya Angelou

Be Courageous

I really take joy in reading and watching positive motivating stuff about life rather than concentrating on life's negatives. i have chosen to live my life happily and not attracting gloom by being gloomy and negative. I enjoy reading Tom and Penelope's blog at www.richdreams2.com and this afternoon i read some interesting stuff which i have copied in toto. Please read and comment.

"A few days ago Penelope, Lucy and I went over to a friends house for dinner. I must confess I was not in the brightest of moods. What I really wanted to do was curl up on the couch and go to sleep.


That was until I met the clerk at Chick-Fil-A. I had been sent to pickup food for everyone. When I walked up to the counter I felt the happiness radiating this guy like the heat off the blacktop on the 4th of July.


And it wasn’t a sappy, fake, happiness. This guy was for real. He asked me how I was doing, if I had been sent by my wife to pickup food (I had 3 post it notes stuck together with handwritten orders), and gave me probably the best customer service I’ve had anywhere in the last 6 months.

I walked away stunned. And I thought to myself this guy has got guts.

He has courage to be happy NOW.


It really does take courage to live happy now. A lot of times we get it backwards. I will be happy when X happens. But what about until X happens? Will you live your life in misery, worry, and fear? And if you do what is that going to attract?

Our feelings affect our point of attraction

It seems counter intuitive doesn’t it? Be happy even though your life is not where you want it to be.
But your life is not going to be where you want it until you get in alignment with what makes you happy.

Be Courageous, Be Happy

It takes courage to choose happiness. Anytime you make a choice it takes courage. You are taking a risk. Choosing one road over the other without knowing exactly where it will lead.
Choosing to smile not knowing if people will think you are crazy. Choosing to accept that you deserve to be happy. Choosing to accept that everything always works out.

Who do you want to be?

Let’s be real, who would you rather spend time with, the cheery happy guy behind the Chick-Fil-A counter or the grumpy guy with 3 post it notes worth of orders and a bad attitude?
I will not be offended if you choose the guy behind the counter. I’m with you.

How are you going to be courageous today? Let us know in the comments! "

A Christian Man Cheating!

I am a Christian but I have cheated before. I wish I could deny this fact knowing that it is true like many men do but I can’t perpetuate this sinful attitude just because I want to look clean. But I want to talk about the discomfort that comes with it, the guilt and the pain of illicit relationships. You see, our society accepts that it is not that despicable to have illicit relationships which make one very uncomfortable and yet it looks down on men who marry two or more wives legally declaring to the same society that I am a responsible man I don’t want to hide. For me the discomfort of cheating is much stronger than the idea of a legitimate legal marital union which does not arouse God’s anger.

Polygamy certainly makes most people angry who are lenient on cheating but it does not make God angry at all. This is hypocrisy on the side of most people especially of the Christian type. I have heard people talk about how polygamy is a kind of adultery – and this is a lie. I have also heard people talk about the many problems of polygamy, the negative impact on children etc. Surprising enough the countless family problems I know emanate from monogamous unions and yet people do not think monogamy is problematic.

I hate cheating, God hates cheating. I hate divorce and God hates divorce. I have no problem with polygamy and God has no problem with polygamy too. I accept that polygamy was not God’s original plan as much as staying single has never been God’s original plan. God has a number of ideals which have never been followed but he tolerated, such as monogamy, Theocracy etc. Moving away from these ideals becomes an aberration but God becomes tolerant and accepting. Polygamy however, has never been for every man even in biblical times. What were the prerequisites? Is it possible in modern times? Can we support its sinfulness from the bible?

My next post will deal at length with God and polygamy. The biblical view of polygamy and the current Western world view against polygamy. Controversial isn’t it?

A Look Into Women's Mentality Regarding Polygamy

As a man who condones polygamy I have interviewed a lot of modern women about this topic and almost 90% of them have the same feeling. This leads me again to conclude that women think very differently from men because of the way thery are wired and structured. Most women are very possessive of their men and they want to remain the only focus of their husbands love. Despite the fact that there are far many women than men making men short in supply no woman wants to share a husband. Short supply I say and you are surprised because global statistics put women just a bit higher at 52%. The number of men is reduced by the many men who have been incarcerated in prisons and the number is increasing. Lately we have a growing number of men who are becoming gay making the gap larger and larger. In Southern Africa the migrant labour system caused shortages in rural and homeland areas for most of the year. The system is still impacting most societies today. Do you see the shortage now? I will elaborate further when I post about polygamy.

I am just surprised by the way women think. They can’t share a man by way of polygamy even though some of their kind cannot have a piece of a husband. They are so opposed to a legal and legitimate arrangement because of their jealousy and yet there is a sharing they can compromise about. Most women have told me they would rather have their husbands cheating than marrying polygamously. They say it is better for a man to cheat than embarrass them by marrying another wife legally. I regard this as some kind of madness though there’s nothing I can do about it.

Women claim that a polygamous man will spread diseases and yet they accept that a cheating man is better. They say it is better not to know who your husband cheats with than knowing the other woman in their husband’s life. I guess that is why many men have children outside wedlock unknown to their wives. This actually gives men an advantage because he can cheat and support in secret and at the same time refuse to take full responsibility because the other woman is not known legally. I am convinced that men always want to spread their seed at all cost – it’s natural. That is why there is so much tension when a woman cannot bear a child.
By refusing polygamy women are actually giving men an advantage of cheating and not taking responsibility. The kind of situation that we find ourselves in is proliferated by the current westernization of our world. I have discovered that in Western Law polygamy is detested and outlawed while adultery has few legal sanctions against it if any. To make things worse they think it is Christianity to outlaw and abhor polygamy and not frown on adultery in its different forms. Serial monogamy is so prevalent in Western countries and is practiced by Christian law while polygamy which was acceptable in biblical times is frowned upon by the same people. This is utter hypocrisy.

A message to modern day women

Times are changing swiftly and the way men are becoming extinct it seems five to ten women will fight for one man. It is better for men to be involved legally in a way that does not arouse God’s indignation than allowing a practice that will subject men to God’s scrutiny. Westernization does not equal Christianity.

Why Men Cheat - A Man's Perspective

Women do not understand why men behave the way they do and indeed men also fail to understand the fairer sex. It seems like the two sexes originate from different planets at all. However I think with a level of willingness there can understanding between the sexes. I just want to address the issue of why men cheat from a man’s perspective rather than explanations that I have gathered from women and some men especially of the religious type. Many women feel that a man cheats because of inadequacy in their partner’s sexual performance or because they are no longer attractive to their men; that they are no longer loved. That could be true in some relationships but there are other explanations that are true to most relationships.

Look at this scenario: a man has a beautiful wife, good sex life, loves his wife and yet cheats. What is the reason? Could you be doing him justice by applying the explanations above? I don’t think so. I have asked countless numbers of men and I have received answers which I think are very applicable to more than 65% of men who cheat. As a man I concur with them that they are right. Read along with me if you need to understand men’s mentality in this regard.
Let us examine how men are made to understand why they think and act differently from women. I have always wondered why men and women are so different in so many things and I think I have discovered why. For those who believe the Bible you will understand fundamental differences between men and women as you read the Bible in Genesis 2:7, 21, and 22. These texts indicate that while there may be similarities in men and women there are fundamental differences because God took a very small portion of Adam’s body (rib) and formed the woman. I don’t want to believe that God used only the rib to form the woman because it must have been just a fraction of what could form another human being. It is that part that came from the man that contributes to our similarities as members of the human family. As for the rest of the material used to form the woman we are not told where God derived from – whether He took some of it from some unknown planet or He called it into being and mixed it with what he got from the man. That part which God got from unknown plus a difference in design made a woman into what she is – a different creature from man. The fact that physiologically and chemically the woman is different makes her thinking diverse from that of the man.

Some people say the differences are only made by differences in design and that the material is the same – which might be true, but I contend that the material from man was not enough to make a full human being without supplementing. Another observation is that woman is a by-product of man; while man is mere soil contributing to the many differences we see and the complexity of the woman. I don’t want to dwell on the many differences between men and women in this article but I wanted to indicate that both are different and that they think differently and look at things from fundamentally different angles because of their diverse nature.

Now! Back to my point: when a man cheats, the woman thinks it is because the man is not satisfied or that there is something wrong with her or that the man wants to end the relationship or even that he is no longer committed. Then she wonders why he committed himself in the first place.

Now let me explain!

Men are by nature creatures of vision in a sexual sense. They examine and decide whether they like a woman first by deciding if they enjoy what they are seeing. They always retain mental pictures of women they see and make evaluations based on these pictures. Men take it further than just evaluating mental pictures but they also decide if they could enjoy the sex with a woman they have seen and if it is the case they will savor the picture for as long as it remains vivid in their minds. Men take along these pictures wherever they go and they keep a lot of these files for use later on. In most cases men make a decision whether they love or not based on whether they like the picture or not. The beginning of courtship begins with the picture.

Some pictures persist more than others and men decide whether to take action or not based on his conscience. The conscience and the strength of the mental picture are determining factors in deciding what will transpire later on. The man however has power to decide based on several factors that govern relationships. Let me indicate that whether a man is married or is a Christian is immaterial as far as the influence of seeing is concerned – the difference will be in how one reacts to what persists in his mind resulting from a beautiful woman he has seen. Men even go to the extent of using the power of visualization to engage in sexual intercourse with the mental picture they have captured (this takes place in the world of fantasy). This they call masturbation and at least higher than 65% of men have engaged in this activity some time in their lives though many refuse to accept publicly to know about it. According to my knowledge sex is the only need that man is able to satisfy by merely thinking and focusing as an alternative to the real sexual intercourse while all other needs man has to satisfy in reality. You satisfy hunger by eating; thirst by drinking etc, sex is an exception.

In many instances men confuse love with the feeling that comes as a result of seeing a titillating picture of a beautiful woman. But for most relationships seeing and liking by the man is the beginning of a lasting relationship. However the feeling that one has after what one has seen is not specific to a particular individual. Even married men still feel the same thing felt before they got married when they behold a picture to savor. If men are not able to interpret and control this feeling or thought they may spend their lives engaging in courtship each time they are attracted by a beautiful picture. I also want to mention that the picture weakens as time passes and many times women complain that they are no longer loved because men fail to continue to act the same as the feeling diminishes in their minds – it is also possible to reawaken the strength of the picture.

Sometimes the picture is so compelling to a man that he takes action to propose a woman who consistently disturbs his composure – at times it is the beginning of an elicit relationship. Realize that this beginning of a new relationship has nothing to do with any other relationship. It has nothing to do with whether the man has a satisfying relationship or not; it has no ties with sexual satisfaction in the other relationship that exist.

Sometimes a man has thoughts circulating in his mind whether a certain woman loves him or not or wants to confirm that what he is reading in her is true or false and he wants to verify. So much curiosity leads to multiple and concurrent relationships if not guarded against as in most instances. The courtship game is the most interesting game that a man can play, and for him it is indeed play and nothing else unless he decides otherwise. For many men it is a difficult play to resist as it gives men a high sense of achievement and acclaim. He estimates himself according to his success with the opposite sex – his manliness is determined by his successful sexual pursuits. In this game women are the objects of fantasy and play.

When a man decides to propose a woman it is always misinterpreted by women to mean he is serious when in fact he wants sex or he just wants to satisfy his curiosity. If a married man proposes a woman it is not because he wants to leave his wife or that he has a relationship problem, it is mostly because he has an intense sexual interest in the woman. Women always wonder why men don’t even commit after they had sex a few times because to them (women) sex equals love but to men sex is sex and as physical as it is without much attachment. That explains why men may enjoy sex several times without even talking about any form of commitment. In fact they may disappear as soon as a woman presses for commitment. To men sex and commitment are not intertwined while women equate the two.

Married men have told me stories of women pressing for commitment after a few naughty acts of sex with women hoping that the men will forsake their wives; but that arouses indignation on the part of the man basically because it was not a way of saying he has a problem with his wife. Women tend to give sex in exchange for seriousness while men engage in sex to satisfy curiosity and base passion.

In essence men will always cheat, whether they are of a religious type or not but it is for different reasons than what women think or what many people think. This was not even supposed to lead to break-ups that we have seen in homes because the woman thinks the man does not value their relationship.

My advice to women

I am not promoting cheating but I am just being pragmatic. If you catch your man, don’t think he is no longer committed or that it is your fault unless you know your inadequacies. If you still love the man don’t make an emotional decision to leave him because you will regret it later when you discover that men are the same. Some women decide to take a breather and go away for some time to leave the man to reflect. But it is not a good way of doing things as it may be a way of encouraging him to continue his naughtiness and reason that you left him no other alternative but to look somewhere else. Leaving him may also give the other woman a chance to bond with your man while you are away – an opportunity she could not get if you had not left.

In extreme circumstances women try to reclaim their men by ridiculing, disrespecting and cursing their men endlessly and even denying them legitimate sex. At the same time they will be calling the other woman and giving then a piece of their minds. They will also spy on their husbands’ phones. While women mean well by resorting to these methods they rarely work – they further push the man apart. Most women’s reactions in these circumstances while understandable cause lasting alienation which of course is not their intention. I have seen marriages break-up unnecessarily because women do not understand men and are not prepared to do so – they treat men like they are other women.

In essence men cheat because of their particular nature and to them it means something different from that interpreted by women. I am not condoning cheating but I bet it will continue for as long as men are men and women are women unless both sexes resort to effective ways of dealing with this nature.

For Men

Man is a total sum of processes of his mind – thought determines action and in that case what you feed your mind with will determine your actions. The root cause of infidelity is in the mind, alter your thoughts and your actions will change. As long as the mind is not controlled men will not gain the mastery. The carnal mind is not subject to God’s will but the mind that is put under subjection of the will of God can be made pure.

Social Constructs that Rule

SOCIAL CONSTRUCTS THAT RULE


Our lives are mainly self-made. From the way our economies are structured to the ways in which our politics are run. Our day to day lives are also governed by other people’s ideas and dictates. Our education is structured and directed by those who wield power in our world. However if we are aware of how we are controlled by the powers that be we stand a better chance of modifying the power relations that relegate us to nothingness. Challenging the status quo stands us a better chance of creating our own world according to our own constructs of reality. This work is about subjecting the world about us to intense scrutiny and engaging in its analysis in order to be involved in the shaping of our own destiny as a nation and individuals.

Let us examine our very own understanding of science. For many years we have been made to believe that science is the only method that is accurate and right and that if phenomena are not scientific it does not exist. Therefore we have been confined to a single methodology of reasoning and channeled thought patterns. Many are so colonized by this thinking that they are not aware that it is a Western construct meant to subject us to hegemonic Western cultures – it is essentially a Western cultural orientation. That two times two could be 10 (2x2 =10) does not occur to many. That science is based on Western conventions which in some cases may not be universal does not transpire to many who have long regarded science as totally value free and superior. Science is a method of thinking and doing things based on the following: a). Observation and data gathering b). Analysis of data. c). Formulation of a hypothesis. According to Western scientific thinking these three steps form the core of superior thought mechanisms. As a result a number of other areas of our existence such as the role of emotional perception are myopically neglected by a superior discipline.

One wonders why an accurate method of thinking has been modified so many times since the days of Descartes. Why have so many blunders been committed by the so called scientists with a superior methodology? Racism was at one stage validated by scientists who through scientific research claimed to find that blacks naturally have inferiority of mind. The blunders of Western science necessitated the World Summit on Sustainable Development to look into environmental destruction inflicted on our planet by the exploitation of its resources without due regard to long term impact of undue economic activity.

The superior science is getting into the third decade without having managed to bring about a cure for HIV/AIDS which of course has been brought about by the very science. It is with all the hope that we are not getting into a Frankenstein future! Poor science! For the past five decades scientific research has been conducted into Africa and the rest of the Third World by our masters in the IMF and the World Bank but they dismally failed to come up with mechanisms to change socioeconomic development in these parts of the world. Fifty years later we are still asking: Mr. Scientific Man can you please lead me to the future with your superior thinking!
Our political existence is also largely self-made. A close examination of our political lot especially in Africa will reveal that we are constantly swallowing somebody’s political pill. The Constitutional Monarchy (in Lesotho) with a rubber stamping king devoid of political power has been transplanted from England where our scientific masters reside. This political hierarchy has been fashioned according to a foreign order of things. The courts are also British in nature and they apply foreign Western laws which can be oppressive at times. Justice is defined in foreign terms that baffle those feeling its weight. This is in essence somebody’s world with social and scientific constructs emanating from the West, a world belonging to others and imposed on others.

Our economic systems though they seem normative have been constructed and made legitimate by those who wield power. Capitalism has been created and supported by powers opposed to all that is African and through powerful political backing with accompanying oppressive academic discourse we have come to regard that painful system as normative. In South Africa capitalism and apartheid were intertwined to brew a rapacious system which has destroyed the lives of the majority of Africans to date. In our continent the majority are suffering in silence under economic systems that typically benefit a few at the expense of the poor. In capitalist economic systems less than ten percent of the population hoards large sums of money while the majority live in sordid circumstances. Most suffer in silence in a world constructed by those who wield power in society. This is world belonging to those who benefit from it. The West has fought bitter wars to make capitalism the only legitimate economic system. Many socialist economies have been destroyed in favor of a system that keeps the West afloat with its hegemonic world view.

We are so pathetic that we have even allowed the so-called international organizations to confine us to lives of begging and dependence. Despite these organizations having been with us for years we are perpetually begging. What is surprising is that they employ staff who are educated according to the manners of the scientific West and yet their scientific solutions have not helped us an inch. What is the use of these experts? My observation is that experts have brought more suffering than when they didn’t exist. My personal suspicion is that these international organizations have covert agendas to maintain us to perpetual dependence upon our former scientific colonial masters.

In my life in academia and my hard exposure to the University of Life I have discovered that poverty begins in the mind. It is when we accept out lot that our will to act is diffused. The mind is very powerful because it has much potential to help us impose our own imaginary ceilings on our ability to act. Once the mind has decided that everything is impossible the body will also follow suit in refusing to take action. Our material poverty begins with out mental poverty. The West is aware of that and they left us a legacy of thinking that will keep us on their backs even when they are physically gone. And indeed we are always asking the white man “please Mr. White man take me to my future because I cannot make it alone without you the anointed Mwalimu” They knew we would do that long after they are gone. When they afflict us with AIDS we go to them for solutions: counseling, testing, antiretroviral drugs, and heaps and heaps of condoms. Unfortunately twenty years after the appearance of the virus no cure has been found by the holy scientists. More than ten years of condomising, antiretroviraling, counseling and researching according to Western mechanistic methodology there is no improvement to our lot as evidenced by experts in the multi-billion industry. While Sub-Saharan Africa takes the hardest punch the West benefits from the sales of AIDS equipment and from the deaths of millions of our people who have died ruthlessly. They knew that AIDS would reduce the threatening populations of the unwanted Third World. The Hegelian principle would come into operation because in desperation we would see the necessity for a new world order which returns politico-relegio power to the West. In essence the current world devastated by manufactured synthetic diseases (AIDS is just one) is a self made world! God have mercy!

One of our own sons of Africa Ngugi wa Thingo has rightly observed that we Africans need the decolonization of the mind in post-colonial Africa as neo-colonial discourse continues to threaten our emancipation. The West will never allow its slaves to go free without paying a price as much as our own Pharaoh refused to let go of his Western slaves more than four thousand years ago. Our learned (through brain washing) mentality refuses us to discover our African selves and engage in our own AKS to solve our own problems. Are we ever going to be able to come up with indigenous solutions to our indigenous problems?


What I am bringing to view is that our world is largely shaped by other people’s ideas which tend over time to dominate our thinking and behavior. Many powerful people have challenged the status quo and through struggle have managed to make their own world. It has been through painful struggle but Nelson Mandela has managed to make his world. He took most of his youth to engage in a struggle that would see apartheid tumble down. 27 years of confinement and humiliation did not deter him from fighting for his dream world (he has been lucky to live in his dream).

How do you change your world when you allow yourself to be confined by discourses meant to keep you ignorant and in self pity? How do you positively contribute to your world when you do not learn the tactics of the forces opposed to your development? It is time Africans learn to open their eyes to see that our mode of dress, our eating habits, our education, the media, the digital world and our postcolonial cultures are constructs of the West meant to confine us. Lets us not be like the mole, you see the mole hates the light and enjoys darkness. The only time the mole opens its eyes is when it dies. Are we going to be like the mole?

True Leadership

Leadership Lessons in the Bible


The Bible offers numerous examples of powerful leadership personalities and manifestations of qualities that are relevant to all areas of our human endeavors today, whether in the corporate world, the church, the civil service etc. This article will look at how those leadership qualities apply to our present conditions and how those examples can be harnessed by leaders of our day for the good of humanity.

In Acts 3:1-7 we read: Now Peter and John went up together into the temple at the hour of prayer, being the ninth hour. And a certain man lame from his mother’s womb was carried, whom they laid daily at the gate of the temple which is called Beautiful, to ask alms of them that entered into the temple; who seeing Peter and John about to go into the temple asked alms. And Peter, fastening his eyes upon him with John, said, look on us. And he gave heed unto them, expecting something of them. Then Peter said, Silver and gold have I none; but such as I have give I thee: in the name of Jesus Christ of Nazareth rise up and walk. And he took him by the right hand, and lifted him up: and immediately his feet and angle bones received strength. And he leaping up stood and walked, and entered with them into the temple, walking, and leaping, and praising God.

In this story we see a typical situation where leadership had to be demonstrated to deal with harsh reality. This caliber of leaders approached the situation radically from the way others had been dealing with it by constantly giving alms. Let’s look at their approach.

Firstly when they are approached for help as true leaders they are not fearful to say ‘look on us’ because they know that they have been exemplary. One of the attributes of true leadership is the ability to be safely copied – that means whatever a leader does he should be a safe model for those who are looking. In this case Peter and John were bold to indicate to the one to be led that he should look at them and observe examples.

The second attribute found in this scripture is that while the Man had learned from the past to ask for alms, true leaders break the dependency cycle. True leaders empower the led to learn to live on their own without perpetual dependence on others. You see! Perpetual showering of people with charity leads to perpetual dependence as they fail to act on their own behalf because of a continual expectation of charity.

Former Zimbabwean president Canaan Banana has expressed that thought beautifully in his poem entitled ‘Liberating Love’ in which he says “When we were slaves, we spoke as slaves; we understood as slaves, we thought as slaves: but as we became free, we cast off the chains of servitude”. On this note the man at the Beautiful Gate was a slave to lameness and indeed when he was finally released from slavery he cast off chains of servitude. So he was empowered by Peter and John to become useful to himself and society which is what leaders should empower people to do. Banana in his treatise continues to say “‘the people have suffered long: charity serves barely to keep them alive. But charity by itself defuses the will of the people to act’.

Indeed charity defuses the will of the people to act. This is evident in the attitude of the West in their dealings with Africa and the Third World. We have been receiving alms for many years from the West without altering the conditions that confine us to slavery and poverty and this has defused the will of the people to act on their own behalf to deal with their situation therefore they are confined to perpetual slavery of dependence on the West for everything - this situation disadvantages Africans and the third World and leaves the West taking advantage of us.

Now because of this poor parasitic leadership of the West we are always expecting alms instead of taking action to castoff the chains of servitude. The alms of the west confine us to poverty and exploitation by the very ones who are offering us alms. Those alms come with packaged actions and solutions to our problems formulated by our masters without our participation. How do you help people without asking what they need if your idea is to help them out of a dire situation? This is why these donations have not helped us out of poverty for many years. The so called International Donor Organizations are continually offering alms but poverty has not left us an inch. This is a very exploitative leadership style meant to confine us to lives of shame and suffering.

On the other hand Africans have internalized this culture of donations and alms and they have become content with it. They are constantly asking the West for donations for everything even where they can do things for themselves. As a result our actions are donor motivated and we seem to have no choice because of the alms that come with strong strings attached. This is intended, purposeful leadership of the West which differs with the kind of leadership we are studying here. Indeed Banana was right because our continual begging for alms and the continual offering of alms by the West has defused the will of the people to act. According to the passage we have read true leaders will empower someone to be able to become useful to himself and society rather than to keep offering alms which manage barely to keep people alive.

In the passage from the book of Acts when the lame man responded to the call to stand up and accept the offer of empowerment he was helped on his feet by these powerful leaders. In other words true leaders will help lift up those under their care instead of confining them to a life of helplessness and continual begging of alms. It means you don’t just empower aimlessly but you ensure that your empowerment has the effect intended. The response of the receiver of empowerment should be in such a way as to indicate that he is willing to have his life transformed for the better – that one is willing to forsake a life of confinement to perpetual begging; that shows that the will to act has not been defused as is the case with many who have received body and mind numbing alms.
True leaders will elevate the lives of the people to be equal with them in terms of their relationship with God and the capacity to live a fulfilling and useful life as evidenced by a man who is empowered to jump and praise the Lord and serve Him a manner that may even exceed that of the benefactors. True leaders replicate themselves in others in order to propagate an unending legacy of their leadership even beyond the borders of their immediate personal sphere of influence. In that way their influence will snowball abroad even where they cannot reach.

Tithe De-mystified

Tithe demystified

Introduction

In the book of Malachi 3:8-12 we read: 8Will a man rob God? Yet ye have robbed me. But ye say, Wherein have we robbed thee? In tithes and offerings. 9Ye are cursed with a curse: for ye have robbed me, even this whole nation. 10Bring ye all the tithes into the storehouse, that there may be meat in mine house, and prove me now herewith, saith the LORD of hosts, if I will not open you the windows of heaven, and pour you out a blessing, that there shall not be room enough to receive it. 11And I will rebuke the devourer for your sakes, and he shall not destroy the fruits of your ground; neither shall your vine cast her fruit before the time in the field, saith the LORD of hosts. 12And all nations shall call you blessed: for ye shall be a delightsome land, saith the LORD of hosts. These are the common verses we read about the tithe and offerings from time to time. While the verses demand that we pay tithe and are used to encourage people to pay tithe they end with a positive note that talks about blessings that follow a faithful tithe. Most people do not really like the verses because they make as if we go to church so tithe can be demanded of us while in truth it is also a call to blessedness. I wish the last verses that talk about blessings could have been used to precede verse 8 which is a demanding verse. However the fact remains that this portion of scripture is God’s call for a remembrance of our duty as God’s people to shoulder our responsibility for His cause. It is also a dynamic call to blessedness and prosperity which is sought by all.

Leviticus 27:30, 32 affirms a tenth as being holy and belonging to God and Jesus seems to reaffirm the importance of returning the Tithe in Matt. 23:23. Paul also echoes the same sentiment in 1Cor. 9:13, 14. If returning the tithe is a holy act that brings about a blessing then why is it that our churches and conferences are struggling financially with only minorities returning the tithe? Is it because our people do not want to be blessed? Is it a total refusal to God’s call? Or is it because most of our people do not understand what the tithe is and how it is determined? It is the latter question that I seek to address in this piece of work and while it is not necessarily authoritative and exhaustive it may help to demystify the topic at hand or even lead to deeper studies and constructive debates.

If this article helps more and more people to return the tithe and support all lines of our work in the church, I will have achieved the objective of taking so much of my time to write in an effort to demystify the idea of giving as expressed in the Bible and the Spirit of Prophecy.
The Spirit of Prophecy says that it is our prerogative as members of the church to seek the prosperity of the church so that as we get closer to God we become more and more like Him by participating in the plan of Salvation with all our means – financial and otherwise. “Every believer should be wholehearted in his attachment to the church. Its prosperity should be his first interest…it is in the power of all to do something for the cause of God” (Counsels on Stewardship, p.42).

Definition

While the verses we have read state clearly that we have to return the tithe; that tithe is an obligation and they pronounce the blessings that accompany faithful tithing, they do not attempt to define clearly what it is and even how it is determined. The verses take it for granted that the reader knows about what the tithe is all about – it is the case with many other verses that we find on tithing. However there are a few verses that attempt to give us a definition of the tithe as it was understood in biblical times. I have discovered that many an Adventist does not really understand what tithe is and how it is determined. Many have been tithing without really knowing what it is and how it is done. Indeed I have come across a large number of people who have tithed for years without proper understanding and many were afraid to ask many questions lest they look like stingy people who do not want to advance the cause of God. I don’t think that people should just dish out money and resources without thoroughly investigating the facts and doing what they understand because while we may gain from others’ ignorance God does not gain anything from our ignorance. The fact of the matter is that we need to be clear on revealed matters and do what we can be able to teach our posterity without withholding the truth.

Encyclopedia Encarta defines tithe in this manner: “generally defined as the tenth part of fruits and profits justly acquired, owed to God in recognition of his supreme dominion, and paid to the ministers of religion”. In this sense tithe is not derived from anything but profits – that is ten percent of profits from any legitimate source. According to this understanding God expects only a tenth or ten percent of what we receive as profits from our efforts in different lines.
The SDA Logos Bible Dictionary says it’s The 10th part of one’s increase, which God claims as His. This definition is similar to the one we find in the Encarta but it takes us a step further by not only mentioning profits which are derived from the buying and selling of goods in a commercial sense but increase also includes profits from other forms of income from which one receives excess above what one had invested. I have identified four areas of income from which an increase is expected: Wages, Profits, Rent, and Interest – you may add more if possible!
1. Wages - for selling labour power.
2. Rent – for use of land.
3. Interest – return for use of Capital.
4. Profit – difference between buying and selling price.

So when God demands a tithe, He demands it not necessarily from the total income but from the increase or profits received or else he would be unfair to demand where you have not made any gain. Indeed He is not an unfair taskmaster who wants to reap where he has not sown. He blesses and asks only a tenth of His blessings to be returned for His cause. In other words no increase, no tithe; no profits no tithe; no blessing no tithe expected! Fair enough.

Can we support the idea of ten percent of an increase from the authority of the Bible and the Spirit of Prophecy?

The Bible in the book of Proverbs 3:9, 10 says: “Honor the Lord with thy substance, and with the first fruits of all thine increase: so shall all thy barns be filled with plenty, and thy presses shall burst with new wine”. The next one: “Thou shall truly tithe all the increase of thy seed”. Deut 14:22. These verses testify again that the tithe is determined from the increase and not necessarily from the total income unless the total income constitutes the increase, meaning that there has’nt been any costs incurred in the acquiring of the income. I read from the Spirit of prophecy that “A tithe of all our increase is the Lord’s. He has reserved it to Himself, to be employed for religious purposes. It is holy” (Counsels on Stewardship, p.670).
There we are! The witness of the Bible and the Sprit of Prophecy. We may still want to do our own thing? It is up to us, old habits die hard! Even if they are not scriptural.

How is the Tithe determined?

You see, the Lord increases and seeks to make prosperous according to Malachi 3:9-12 and since He is not a cheat he indicates how to determine the tithe – ten percent of your income from whatever source. If receive M1000 from growing and selling vegetables and your costs including seed, manure, tractor, insecticides, weeding, harvesting and sending to and from the market equals M650.00 then your increase is M350.00 and your tithe is M35.00, fair?
Another example: you buy oranges for M10 and your transport to town and back is M5. You sell the oranges for M20 minus your costs of M15 = M5. M5 is your profit and your tenth is M0.50.
Now a different example regarding interest: You invest M1000 in a fixed deposit account (taking for granted that it comes from your tithed income), and at the end of the term the bank gives you 13% interest which is M130.00. Tithe(10%) of your increase is M13.00. I hope it’s clear!

It’s like those who are in business do not find it difficult to determine their tithe but the cry comes from those who earn a salary monthly, weekly or fortnightly. And you ask why all the fuss? And why can’t you just forget about calculations and give God the whole salary’s tenth? Some people say even if you give God 30 percent as tithe it is ok. I personally have a problem with these questions and suggestions. Firstly God is concerned with calculations and exactness or else He could have said that ten percent is his threshold but he says: “The tenth shall be Holy unto the Lord” Lev. 27:30, 32. Do you think that God is shy to say He wants 15 percent and instead he says 10 so that you give Him 15? I don’t think God is a cheat that He will say something when he means something else. He does not want to send confusing signals at any cost. The issue of tithe has no catch even though some people want it to look as if there is a catch. After all if you give God 15 % of your increase, you cannot regard it as tithe because a tithe is only 10%, nothing less and nothing more. I repeat 15% is not God’s tithe; God’s tithe is 10% according to the scriptures. So you are not doing God any favor by giving Him more than He requires for His tithe as much as setting aside two days in a week as God’s Sabbath does not do God any favor for He has only blessed the seventh day (Saturday) as holy. So if you choose Sunday and Saturday as Sabbaths, only one remains Holy not two. Tithe which is 10% is holy and your addition is not made holy by wanting to pay more. The other issue is that some people say that strict determination is not necessary, in other words ten percent is just a guide. This is very wrong and unscriptural as God is specific that calculations are necessary for he specifies that a tenth is holy. How do you determine a tenth without doing proper calculations? 9% is not a tithe as much as 11% is not a tithe.

If you want to will in any case do your willing with free will offerings. With free will offerings you can allow your mind to run amok as you will as much as you can. With tithe it is God who wills and He wills that you pay 10% of your increase and nothing more or nothing less. God has already willed and made holy as far as tithing is concerned. If we were to will as we will in tithe, the poor would will 1% and the afluent could will up to 90% of their increase and that would cause huge disparities. Muslims pay 2% as tithe, and for those who think tithing is a matter of will it is ok but for those who think that God has already willed 10%, it is not right.

Gross or Net?

Statistics show that 60 percent of Adventists pay their tithe from their gross salaries. I don’t know what that means but I want us to look closely at these gross and net debates. But again why all the fuss? The Spirit of Prophecy says: “God desires all His Stewards to be exact in following divine arrangements” (Counsels on Stewardship, p.102 emphasis mine). We cannot afford to be negligent on this matter. According to the scriptures God expects a tithe of all your increase from your income (mark my wording) which is due to you from various sources of income. Now if gross means your income untaxed as is the case with those earning below the tax threshhold or those who do not pay income tax, your tithe is determined from your gross income (total income) minus the overheads you incured to your place of work i.e transport cost and lunch if you pay for lunch. In this case you tithe on gross. To some people gross means total income including tax, in this case you deduct tax which is not your income at all and you calculate your overheads and remain with your increase which is the tithe. You say why deduct tax? Tax does not belong to you at all and if you dont pay tax you are defrauding the state. Tax belongs to Caeser and not you – it is not your income but income to the state. Christ set a good example here when he extracted tax from a fish and did not calculate God’s tithe before submitting it to Caeser.

Some people’s gross includes pension fund, insurance and medical aid apart from tax. Pension, insurance and medical aid constitute your increase which incur liability to tithe (your employer might have contributed also). I see two options here: the first is to tithe your income right way which is easy to determine – the rationale is that you may reap the benefits of these investments when you are dead and not able really to do the tithing. The second option is to tithe later on when your income comes back to you with interest and this is not easy with medical aid – here you will be tithing all your capital plus what has acrued from it. As I have said if one understands the principles of tithing there are a number of approaches here and all of them demand understanding along with a lot of calculations because of the many variables involved. I suggest that medical aid be tithed right from the beginning because it is money that hardly comes back in cash or you may tithe it accordingly each time you receive some benefit from it. If you decide to tithe insurance and pension later on when you may be dead, you could include God’s tithe in your will(legal) so that your children will be forced to tithe when you are gone.

“Let God’s portion be first set apart. We are not to consecrate to Him what remains of our income after all our real or imaginary wants are satisfied; or before any portion is consumed, we should set apart that which God has specified as His” (CS. P.81). This quotation has been understood as saying we have to tithe on gross and not on net but that does not seem to be the leaning of the author. The idea expressed is still that after what belongs to you has been determined, think of God first and then consume your portion of the increase according to your demands and dues.

Do I return the Lord’s tithe from a loan?

Scripturally no! Only an increase is tithed because the Lord has increased you but a loan is a liability and therefore you are decreased and not increased. God’s tithe is calculated on an increase according to the scriptures not on a decrease. The bible does not require a tithe from liabilities. In fact debt is one good reason not to tithe though debt does not exempt one from freewill offerings. Read Counsels on Stewadship p.93 under the subheading ‘The true reason for withholding’. Does this surprise you? You see God is not even interested in us getting into debt. Living in liabilities is not in His plan; for those who walk with the Lord and are blessed by Him will not be indebted – they can only be creditors and not debtors. Deut. 28:1-13 and Mal.3:12. You see, when you take any loan you are not sure if you will ever make any increase out of it until you have actually managed to repay it. Most loans will pull you deeper and deeper into debt through interest and sometimes compounded, and tithing it is illogical scripturally because it does the opposite of what God wants to do through the tithing system – which is to bless you – to increase rather than decrease.

“There must be a strict regard to economy or a heavy debt will be incurred. Keep within bounds. Shun the incurring of debts as you would shun leprosy.”Counsels on Stewardship. P.272).

How about freewill offerings from loans?

If you will to get into debt for the lord, let thy will be done – that is what freewill offerings are about. You may be thanking the Lord that He made it possible for you to receive that loan – It may be a business start-up or a loan for you to go to school and pay later when you qualify or succeed in business. But remember it is not an obligation (tithe) but a heartfelt way of saying ‘thank you Lord.’ But hang on! What if you end up failing to return the loan? Will you not have placed God in a compromising situation? This is yours to answer. Jacob when he was a wanderer without any penny, all he could do was make a promise to pay his tithe once the Lord had increased him rather than borrow to pay his dues. In fact he did not have any dues because the Lord had not yet blessed him materially. God has an obligation to bless us first before he requires a tithe or expects a freewill offering. What a God!! Like Jacob, challenge God to bless you and promise to pay your revenge for His goodness by returning His tithe and giving freely later on. If God has not yet blessed you like Jacob a pledge or a promise which you will definately keep is enough. Remember that a pledge is just as binding because it is a contract with God and not man.

Can one be compelled to tithe?

“No one is compelled to present his tithe or his gifts and offerings to the Lord. But just as surely as God’s word is given to us, just so surely will He require His own with usury at the hand of every human being. If men are unfaithful in rendering to God His own, if they disregard God’s charge to His stewards, they will not long have the blessing of that which the Lord have entrusted to them…” (CS, p.83)

What if I don’t agree with the way tithe money Managed?

“Some have been dissatisfied, and have said, “I will not longer pay my tithe; for I have no confidence in the way things are managed at the heart of the work.” But will you rob God because you think the management of the work is not right? Make your complaint, plainly and openly, in the right spirit, to the proper ones. Send your petitions for things to be adjusted and set in order; but do not withdraw from the work of God, and prove unfaithful, because others are not doing right”. (9T 249)

Can tithe be used to help poor people and other lines of God’s work?

“The tithe is the Lord’s, and those who meddle with it will be punished with the loss of their heavenly treasure unless they repent. Let the work no longer be hedged up because the tithe has been diverted into various channels other than the one to which the Lord has said it should go. Provisions should be made for these other lines of work. They are to be sustained, but not from the tithe. God has not changed; the tithe is still to be used for the support of the ministry” (9T 2470-250).

“The tithe is set apart for a special use. It is not to be regarded as a poor fund. It is to be especially devoted to the support of those who are bearing God’s message to the world; and it should not be diverted from this purpose” (R. & H. Supplement, Dec. 1, 1896).

Freewill Offerings

According to the Bible in Malachi 3:8-12 and Proverbs 11:24, 25 giving is a pre-requisite for receiving. In other words if you want to increase your wealth you have to give. Giving is like a seed planted in the soil – it goes alone into the soil but it comes out in droves. This principle found in nature works the same in the spiritual world. The more you sow is the more you reap. Freewill offerings are just that, freewill offerings. Nobody determines how much you give and who you give – no percentage determined. Since offerings are a matter of will, you can withhold as you will if you are not satisfied with how your offerings are used. In offerings you can will as you will for the Lord has given you lordship on how you give.

It is in this area where our churches were supposed to benefit even more. But alas! There is always more tithe than freewill offerings. Typically in my church tithe is 1000% percent more than freewill offerings. Any explanations? Tithe money is specifically for taking care of the clergy but freewill offerings do more for the local church followed by the conference. Why is it that we pay less of what has to do more? Is it because people return the tithe because they have to do it and neglect giving offerings because they are not willing. My suspicion is that some if not most people do not understand the tithing system and how it works – meaning we have more work to clarify Adventist system of giving to encourage more participation in this area.

Is money the only area of giving expected?

Some have thought that there is nothing they are expected to do in God’s field because they do not have money and are not earning any regular income in monetary form. This is wrong; God has given us so much to thank Him for. God demands that we give Him back anything that has increased from the field (crop farming) or anything that passes under the rod (Stock farming). If any of the above has multiplied, you need to tithe it as income. You can convert it into monetary form or send it as it is to the God’s treasury. The Lord also expects you to reciprocate His generosity by freely giving in an attitude of gratitude.

We can also set time apart from our busy schedule to do good in the cause of God. God’s field does not need only monetary and material resources but we can be resourceful in so many ways using our time, knowledge, talents, gifts, education, and genius. Did you think you do not have much to do in the church and as a result you were just a back-bencher? It is time you stopped warming the pews and getting you hands soiled. It is usually people who do nothing who complain and criticize endlessly. Please get yourself busy and you will be surprised how much you will develop and enjoy yourself in the process of saving your fellow men.

Conclusion

This work is attempted from the premise that if people understand the reasons for tithing and how tithe is determined as well as what freewill offerings feature in the whole picture we can see an upsurge in the number of people tithing and therefore an increase in the treasury to support the ministry. At the same time we will see more churches being financially independent as freewill offerings increase to support local churches to reach out in immediate communities
Some ideas expressed may be seen as encouraging people to reduce the tithe they have been made to pay in the past as a result of misunderstanding the system but to a degree benefiting the treasury. But on the contrary more people will tithe if they understand what they are doing. Using people’s ignorance to fill the treasury is like defrauding them and it is contrary to God’s Modus operandi of fairness and truth. Let the truth be unfolded and the rest falls into place like the domino principle.